A word to the wise: I'd avoid taking in a fresh mouthful of coffee as you start reading the hilarious Karen Alpert, bestselling author of I Heart My Little A-Holes and creator of the Baby Sideburns parenting blog. The inevitable giggle fits will likely end with you covering the nearest book, screen, or innocent bystander with a Pollock-esque smattering of java. Her latest, I Want My Epidural Back, just went on sale this month, and as a busy mom and a serious library lover, she'd like offer a kind suggestion…
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Dear librarians,
I am imploring you. Begging you. I am literally down on my knees asking you for one very simple thing. Can you please please pleeease start putting GPS tracking devices on library books?
Because here’s the thing. I’m a mom, which means when we go to the library my rugrats are basically like kids in a candy store, only they don’t walk out of the place with crazy hyper activity disorder and 9,000 cavities. They walk out with books. Awesome, educational, wonderful, creative books. A huge stack of them that are free. I’m like, “See? This is way better than a bookstore where you only get one.” And then we go home and they devour them. We sit on the couch and read them together. We take them in the car and read them while we’re waiting. We schlep them all over the place.
And then suddenly it’s three weeks later and here’s what happens. Aggghhh, the books are due! The books are due!! And I’m running around the house like a mad woman trying to scrounge them all up. Where’s Knuffle Bunny?!!! Has anyone seen Sleeping Beauty?!! Okay, everyone stop what you’re doing and look for Barbie’s Magical Pearl (made up name but it was something annoying like that). And yeah, I know you librarians love your Dewey Decimal system, but that shit doesn’t help you find a book when someone shoved it under the washing machine, or left it in the seat pocket of the car, or buried it at the bottom of the hamper.
And I know GPS tracking devices on every book might sound a little expensive, but with the amount of late fees I paid you from that one Berenstain Bears book that we eventually found crammed in between the dollhouse and the wall, I’m hoping you can afford it.
Sincerely,
A mom who loves the library